Directions

And here we are again.

By "here" I mean both posting and staying at the Admiral's Quarters in Boothbay Harbor. I'm spending last night and tonight here, walking about this town, enjoying both the quiet and the clarity of the sea air.

I've discovered an amazing fact about myself in this week off - both here and earlier in Vermont, at the farm of my friends Chuck and Nancy.

There is a clear, lovely voice inside me, call it a sense that always knows where "North" is, like a moral or personal compass, telling me what my own best choice is - the true North that comes directly from my soul.

At the same time there is another voice that immediate speaks afterwards, telling me "that is North, so now we're going to go East".

I would call it "self-doubt" except that it seems to speak with such authority.

It would seem silly except that it's so present in so many of my actions.

Case in point - recently I had my application to ASCAP - the American Society of Composers, Authors and Publishers - approved. Not a really complicated process, it could have happened anytime in the last 15 years - but due to various encouragements I did it.

It was a big step North - and I instantly became terribly afraid.

Some dear friends got me through it and I wound up at Two Lights State Park, needing to go to the ocean to sit and listen to the council of the waves - which I don't do nearly enough of.

Simple thing - I saw the Ft. Williams ruins and wanted to go there - but something in me said "no, go to Portland Head light and walk amongst the rocks there". So thinking I immediately drove over, parked the car and walked to the lighthouse.

Except that's not where I wanted to go. The town of Cape Elizabeth has fenced off the rocks, the paths are over paved and crowded even on a weekday afternoon and suddenly it hit me - I didn't want to be there and I never had wanted to be there.

Quite a thunderbolt. I walked back to the car, literally hearing a voice saying "you don't know what you want". Drove over the Ft. Williams and sat on the rocks, listening to the waves sing to my heart and my heart sing back in answer.

This perverse inner dialogue, I now know, is playing inside me all the time:

I want to write music, so let's look at Facebook until bedtime.....

I should do the laundry and prep for work so let's watch Netflix videos....

I should go for a walk so let's take a nap....

I should study and take notes so let's go vacuum the car ....

and on and on, as long as I can remember.

This is a difference I (think I) see between myself and others "more successful" ... some people can simply act to attain what they want, no matter what it takes. That motor almost always seems to take me away from what I want to have happen.

So often I suddenly find myself doing things that I just didn't want to do, not doing things I wanted to do - or should have done.

Right now I'm just paying attention to the moments when that second voice speaks, telling myself that I have a choice, that I've always had a choice - no, trying to redo the past is another way of not getting to the present, so I try to let that go.

I think that's a very powerful intuition inside me, my first voice. How I learned to subvert, why, what purpose it might have served - those are questions I'll deal with as I go.

The job is to head North, follow my compass and see where it leads. I'm very sure I don't know but am willing to trust myself and see what happens.

Care to follow along?